Disney Unveils Animatronic Obama Robot. Audience Says Very Likelike, But Only When Compared To Al Gore.

Man Who Chased Girlfriend With Machete While Drinking Keystone Ice Will Probably Not Be Hired For Company's Spokesman
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Woman From Group That Dress Like Animals Accused Of Statutory Rape. Who Would Have Thought Something That Normal Could Go South?
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Palin To Resign To Ready For White House Bid. Obama Decides To Spend Now Unnecessary Reelection Funds On Tricked Out El Camino.
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Madoff Hiires Consultant To Find Best Possible Prison, Preferably One Where They Won't Put Things In His Tender Tender Bottom.
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Rumor About Jeff Goldblum Rated As Worst Celebrity Death, But Only Because It Wasn't True
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Cabbie Fends Off Robber By Spraying Him With Deodorant, Since Cabbies Worldwide Obviously Believe It To Be Some Sort Of Poison
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Scientists Say Mega Ant Colony Has Colonized Most Of World, Demand Cupcake Tribute Or They'll Lay Eggs In Your Butt While You Sleep.
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Doctors Say 80 Year-Old Guard From Nazi Death Camp Fit To Stand Trial, Just Not Fit To Live
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Jackson Kids May Not Know Who Their Mom Is Or What Their Dad Was
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Biden Meets With Key US Leaders In Iraq. Actually Just Janitor And Laundry Lady, But Obama Told Him They Were Really Important.
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Authorities Say Powerful Sedatives Found In Michael Jackson's Home Including Kenny G's Greatest Hits
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Market Tough For Older Workers Post Lay-Off. After All, Adult Diapers Don't Grow On Trees.
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Two Mexican Midget Wrestlers Killed By Fake Prostitues After They Tried To Buy A Little Sex. As If They Had Any Other Choice.
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Study Shows Cockroaches Get Fat On Unhealthy Diet, Which Is Convenient Since Most Of The People They Live With Eat Like Crap.
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Colorado Man Eyed In Spree Of 100 Burglaries Since 2007. Man Claims Innocence, But Wants To Know If You Want To Buy A Watch.
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New Senate Bill May Fine People Who Refuse To Pay For Health Care. Also If You Don't Get Sick Senator Will Sneeze In Your Mouth.
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Pop Quiz: What Does Sanford Case Have In Common With 11 Other Disgraced Republicans? All Part Of Class Of '94 And Can't Keep Weenies In Pants.
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Teacher Accidentally Sends Class Home With Copy Of Her Sex Tape. Suddenly Dad Looking Forward To That Parent-Teacher Conference.
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New Study Shows Vegitarian Diet Leads To Weaker Bones. But If You Boil Vegitarians, They Make A Hearty Base For Soup
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Disco Tune Helps Save Man's Life. Disco Clothes, On The Other Hand, Are Killing The Rest Of Us.
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Officer Tasers "Helpful" Pastor In Church Parking Lot. Next Sunday's Sermon: Why Policemen Go To Hell No Matter What They Do.
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Interviews Show That Saddam Hussein Lied About WMDs In Order To Scare Iran. Funny Story About How That Turned Out...
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California State Says It Will Totally Pay You Next Thursday As Soon As Their Ass-Head Cousin Phil Gives Back Cash He Owes Them
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Male Passenger Strips Naked Mid-Flight. Barf Bag Puke Fest Ensues.
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Hospital That Treated Michael Jackson Known For "Raising The Dead". Just Not So Much Any More.
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Schwarzenegger Declares California Budget An Emergency Situation. Puts On Wife Beater, Prepares To Blow Something Up.
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Woman Gets Five Years For Tasering Cheer Coach. Give Me A "T"! Give Me An "E"! Give Me An "AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!"
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Governor Sanford Backs Out Of Promise To Reveal Financial Records, Also The Secret To His Deep Tissue Massages.
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School District To Take Zero Out Of Grading Scale For Self Esteem. Later, Graduates Won't Be Unemployed, Just Food Stamp Challenged.
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Dunkin Donuts Suspends Selling Of Hot Chocolate Because It Realizes People Are Too Fat. NAAAAH!! Just Kidding!! They Found That It Was Contaminated. GOTCHA!
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Jessie Jackson Tells Suicidal Jacko Fans To "Keep Hope Alive." Group Responds, "But Bob Hope Died Years Agooooo. WAAAAAAAAA!!"
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S. Carolina Governor Admits To Crossing The Line With "Handful" Of Women. Like About 10. No More Than 20 Tops. Probably. Yeah.
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Researchers Say Having More Sex Reduces Genetic Damage In Sperm. Don't Get So Excited Florida. Doesn't Apply With Cousins.
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New Study Shows That Women Pound Nails More Accuately Than Men. Unfortunately, Most Unable To Lift Board Nail Is Put Into, But Still.
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47,000 Senior Falls Tied To Walkers And Canes. Really Shouldn't Be Tying Them To Anything If They're So Crappy At Walking.
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Supreme Court Judge Souter Says Goodbye To Colleagues Who Douse Him With Cooler Filled With Legal Briefs.
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Oregon Man's Lost Wallet Returned To Him After 63 Years. Plans On Not Using Condom Left Inside For Large Variety Of Reasons.
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Governor Sanford's Spiritual Advisor Says He Knew "Darkness" Gripped The Man. Well, Darkness And A Hot Argentinian.
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Swine Flu Case In Denmark Proves Pathogen Resistant To Tamiflu. Also, That Dayquil Crap Not Really Cutting It Either.
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Honduran Congress Names New President. We'd Tell You His Name But He'll Be Gone By Next Thursday, So Who Cares?
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England Opens First Athiest Summer Camp. God Bless Those Kids...Or Not.
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Gay Community Says Obama Not Keeping His Promises. Told Them He Would Call Them The Next Day After Work.
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Gainsville Mayor Arrested For Walking Nude In Camp Ground. Trying To Find Another Naked Man To Make Camp Fire By Rubbing Sticks.
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New Study Estimates Surprising Number Of Teens Will Die Young. Stupid Teens, But Teens Nonetheless.
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Arizona Considers Bill Allowing Concealed Weapons In Bars. Guns, Booze, And White Trash? Nation Prays For Ratification.
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China May Reject Hummer Acquisition. Men With Ridiculously Tiny Reproductive Anatomy Worry About Chances For Future Purchases
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Traffic Bust Scores 100 Pounds Of Weed In Casket Even Though The Shrub Clearly Stated It Wanted To Be Cremated
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Somalis Create World's Largest Refugee Camp. I Believe That's Called Somalia.
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Michael Jackson Insisted Promoter Hire His Cardiologist. Doctor Now Says He'll Be Happy To Just Work In The T-Shirt Stand.
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Cheerleading Still Most Dangerous Sport, What With The Broken Legs, Sprained Ankles, And Unplanned Pregnancies.
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Scientists View First Image Of Memory Being Made. It Was Someone Remembering How Much They Hated Show Joani Loves Chachi.
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Rhode Island To Change Official Name From "Rhode Island: That State In The Corner None Of You Bastards Ever Visit"
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Everyone Is A Winner At Reno's Free Art Fest, Except For Anyone Unfortunate Enough To Live Within Reno City Limits
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Al Gore A No-Show For Thursdays Vote On Capitol Hill. Have We Lost Another Politician To Loose Argentinians?
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As Court Rules Hustler Has No Right To Publish Nude Photos Of Murdered Wife Of Wrestler. Wow, Keep Shootin' For Those Stars, Hustler!
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Microsoft Reveals Prices For Windows 7, Also List Of Newest Versions Innovations That Macintosh Created In 1986.
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Researchers Find Fish In Polluted Water Grow Bigger Ears, Also Makes Their Feet Look Kinda Weird.
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Man Blasts Porn At Noisy Children To Teach Them Valuable Lesson About Things Not Legal In State In Which He Lives.
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NYC Tourists Welcomed To City With 7-Mile Police Chase. City Originally Planned A Simple Robbery But Thought This Was Jazzier.
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AAA Says Slumping Economy Will Keep Holiday Travel Down. Plus Grandma's House Smells Like BO And Chicken Soup, So There's That.
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Oklahoma Woman Fined For Trading Sex For Box Of Chips. Florida, I Believe Your Midwestern Cousin Just Took The Lead.
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Can Money Buy Faster Organ Tansplant? Steve Jobs Said He Waited Just As Long As Any Other Billionaire Would Have.
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S. Carolina Governor Says He Was Definitely In Argentina, But Was Definitely Not With A Young Woman With Whom He Spooned
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Saudi Prince Supports Girls' Athletic Programs. But The Javelin Catch Is Kind Of Hard In Those Burkas.
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World's 65 And Older Population To Triple By 2050. Weather Channel Signs 12 Picture Movie Deal In Anticipation.
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Writer Of "You Light Up My Life" Accused Of Multiple Rapes, May Soon Be Singing To New Cellmate, Raul, The Gerbil Murderer.
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States May Lose Money On Prison Rapes. They Shouldn't Be Betting On That Kind Of Thing Anyway.
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Obama Admits To Falling Off The Wagon. Not Like Televangelist-Falling-Off-The-Wagon, He Just Smoked A Few Butts.
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Scientists Discover Least Inhabited Place On Earth. No, Not Stockton, California. That Just Should Be Least Inhabited Place.
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Student Graduates College Just Weeks After Getting His High School Diploma. Despite Heritage, Now An Honorary Asian.
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Kodak Announces Plans For Retirement Of Kodachrome Film. Gonna Do Some Fly Fishing, Maybe Take Up Golf, Who Knows?
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White House Sees 10% Joblessness Soon. Not Actually The White House, Those Guys All Got Raises. It's The Rest Of Us That Are Screwed.
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700 NYC Teachers Paid To Do Nothing. No, Not Guidance Councelors, These Are Actual Teachers.
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Employers Are Cutting Back On Enployees 401K Plans, Also Employees.
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Experts Ask Why Swine Flu Has Not Hit Africa Harder. Actually Can't Find Anyone Not Already Infected With Something Infinitely Worse.
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Georgia Man Wins Two Lottery Jackpots In One Week. Now Can Realize Lifelong Dream Of Owning TWO Double-Wides.
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New Cyber Criminals Target Twitter. Sad Network Marketing and Creepy Motivational Speaking Industries Both Grind To A Halt.
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5.4 Earthquake Hits Anchorage. Does Tens Of Dollars Of Damage Because, Thankfully It Was Anchorage.
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Iraqi Troops Say They Are Ready For U.S. Pullout. Pretty Sure They're Ready. Fairly Certain...What Was The Question Again?
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Jobless Consumers Will Hold Back Recovery. Don't They Have Anything Better To Do, Like Catch Up On Old Episodes Of My Two Dads?
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Teacher Sends Bag Of Poo Home With Pooping Child. School District Not Amused Even Though The Rest Of Us Think It's Hilarious.
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Day Care Workers Love Playing Hide-N-Go-Seek With The Kids. Only They Keep Forgetting To Do The "Seek" Part.
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Seal Meat is Canada's New Delicacy. World Tells Canada To Keep It Along With It's Sucky, Sucky Beer. "Cute Critters Taste Good, Eh?"
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Fattest State Weights Its Options. Still deciding Between Extra Crispy and Original.
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Beijing Parties As China Delays National Web-Censorship Filter. Wikipedia Naked, Dude!
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Michael Jackson's Funeral To Be Held Friday. If You'd Like To Pay Respects To Parents, Check T-Shirt Stand Out Front.
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Jackson's Parents File To Be Executors Of Estate, Which Is Only Fair Since They're Kinda The Ones That Killed Him In The First Place.
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Sarah Palin Says She Could Out Run Obama. Running Away From Pissed Off Grizzly Bears Really Brought Down Her Pace Time.
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Fireworks Erupt Over Iraqi Cities As U.S. Troops Pull Out. At Least Those Look Like Fireworks...
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Antiques Roadshow Has First Million Dollar Appraisal. Relax, Your Jonny Quest Action Figures Are Still Worthless.
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Bernie Madoff Sentenced To 150 Years. Says His 401K Will Be Awesome By The Time He Gets Out.
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Supreme Court To Decide Final Three Cases Before Summer Vacation. Mom And Dad Are Taking Them To Niagara Falls! Woo-Hoo!
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New Book Claims Jackie Kennedy Seduced Marlon Brando By Coating Her Body In Melted Butter And Confectioners Sugar
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Citizens Of Gary, Indiana Mourn The Death Of Michael Jackson, Fact That They Live In Gary, Indiana
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Congress Passes Climate Change Bill. Says We Can Lower AC Three Degrees If We Promise Not To Sit In Front Of Fridge With Door Open
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Researchers Find Party Drug "Special K" Carries Incontinence Risk. Also, Fiber-Rich Cereal Of Same Name Carries Similar Risks.
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Teen Awarded Thousands After Falling Off Bunkbed At Sleepover Probably NOT Going To Be Invited To Neighborhood Water Balloon Fight
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Iranian Leader Compares Obama To Bush. Same Guy Except One Doesn't Base Speeches On Favorite Scenes From Super Friends.
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Palin Reimburses State For 9 Family Trips After Alaskan Legislature Explains There Is No Such Thing As Ambassador To Legoland
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Fed Loans Tesla Motors 465 Million To Build Electric Car. Band Tesla Can't Get 465 Dollar Loan To Buy New Amp For Fridays Show.
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CDC Believes Infectious Diseases Will Continue To Rise. Suggest Not Touching Pamela Anderson Until Further Notice.
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